January 17th: Shite Rider

28. Bail Out (Max Kleven, 1989)

What? Why am I watching a David Hasselhoff film that went straight to VHS back in the late 80s? Well, why not?

Because it’s shit, that’s why not.

Partially funded by sportswear company Head, and, presumably, a cabal of coked up madmen, we follow a hapless twat called ‘Whitebread’ played by Hasselhoff. Alongside his ethnically diverse chums Blue and Bean, he completely fucks up every single thing he has to do in the quest to rescue the performance-handicapped midget Linda Blair. He even manages to do so with that shit-eating ‘I made Baywatch’ grin fixed on his annoyingly permed 80s head. In-between important plot developments you get some excellent slo-mo shots of the Hoff playing tennis in a variety of snazzy shell-suits.

It cost 97 pence from Tesco for a bloody good reason.

Thanks to Ed and Tom for putting up with this exceptional brand of shite with me. Particularly Ed who actually owns the thing.